TheBitchZone

When life decides to take its fatal turn, and the happy times turn into sad times. These are the times that I don't understand, the kind that leaves a hole in my heart. The kind that leave this terrible pressure in my chest. Where I feel like I am in a glass box watching this happen. Things aren't about to get any better they are only going to get worse. That is how this shitty circle of life thing works. Nothing is ever perfect, and you are always wanting something more. I want him to be okay, I want him to not be suffering anymore and I want to spend the last hours he has on this earth with him, but all he does is turn away. He turns his face and walks away and all I want to do is cry, and scream. Or get a shot that will enduce the signs of amnesia so that I don't remember this horrible date in time. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't had a great thing like him in my life. I want to be by his side when he goes. Between when his heart is pumping and when he gets the shot to when he is told he isn't welcome on this horrible earth anymore. When he gets passed onto a higher power, and leaves people like me on this earth without the best thing ever.

I have to make a huge decision, and I want him to be happy.

Life is an ongoing sentence to something that you always are obligated to do.
Why should I wait to do the things that I desire?
Probably because of the fact that I cannot function right about now.
I have good grades I might get a job, I might take my permit test soon, all that is missing is a love in my life.
He doesn't even fucking exist.

 

Finally,


I am finally at a point in my life (yes I know the short life that I am living) that I am seeing the start of something potentially good, hey it may be even great! I am thinking positive, yet the only obsticale is the drama. WHICH I WANT TO AVOID! But do I really want to chance a situation, because of potential annoying drama? I think I am willing to take that chance. I am finally stopping for a second to realize I am not the worst person, I am not the dumbest person in the room, I am not the ugliest girl in the room, and most of all I am not the fatest. <That of which has been bothering me for days. Even though my friends are drifting, and new ones are arriving it honestly doesn't matter anymore. One of my best friends found someone new and is using all of his spare time with her or at LEAST talking about her forever! I don't need a friend that is going to be a dick"/ Oh well. It is all wonderful, because I am happy at the moment.
:)

I miss the feeling of being in someones arms all the time.
I really loved the way that he was acting toward me tonight, I know he was drunk but I missed him.

By what he said was: Ashleyy I miss you, I miss the way we used to be. We used to be so happy. 


I miss him, and I don't want to miss him. I love him, but I really hate to admit that I actually love him. He has literally broken my heart so many times, as I did the same but I miss him I want him back. I need a friend that would understand. I need someone to just help me with this. 

What do you do when you can't compare anything that they do with other people because you love them. I can't help but think that I need to get over him, but when he tells me that there is hope, and that he still loves me what do I do?
I am scared and confused. I wish I knew what to do.

How do you deal with death when you are younger? I did, but how did I deal with such a loss when I was younger. There is so many questions that I would love to ask a little girl about how she would deal with it. I forgot how I dealt with my Nanna dying when I was young, I was only six years old. But yet I handled it better than I could ever imagine my handling of the situation now. I actually may have handled it well than, but I still am not over the whole situation in general. I have had so many family members and other die right in front of me, yet I still don't know how the hell I handle any of it. :(

Sometimes I wish I knew what to do . . . sometimes I wish that what I thought was right to do it would be the right thing.

Except to my knowledge, nothing that I do is right. It seems to me that no one cares about me anymore. Even my best of friends. The only person that I felt was there and actually sat me down and told me that I wasn't wrong for a change was Lauryn. She had helped me through Sunday when I was upset. She told me all of these things that I thought were the nicest things that I have heard anyone say about me. I just really wish that maybe in a world not so imaginary he could feel the same way that she did about me. 

I am so happy with him, yet I am sad that he is at my fingertips within 2 inches away from my reach. Everyone is happy with their relationships except me. I am always that girl in that disfunctional thing that i'd love to call a relationship. I can never make up my mind, yet the only time that I do, the person that is dear to me that I make my mind up about is not "into" a relationship right now. I know he has a lot going on, he is stressed, but what happens when that is done? He will go to the next girl? Or will he want me still? I don't know. I miss us. I want him, and always will.


:(

I seriously get road rage at least once a week, I can't sit there and watch people drive like idiots. They are incompetant assholes and if you can't stand the heat get off the fucking road . . . bastards.

So I am sitting in the Library with John at the moment, waiting for him to finish his power point project for Biology, and there is nothing to do. I can't think all that much lately, I feel brain dead and it sucks. I feel that everything that everyone says goes through one ear and out the other and really it isn't phasing me at all in the slightest. I feel like I am stupid more and more everyday, people are even telling me that I am stupid. I know that they are joking, but what the fuck am I supposed to think? Me? The person with the self esteem of a ugly girl in a crowd of Ford Models. The person that doesn't usually attempt things because they think that they wont suceed. Yeah thats me. I gave up something that I absolutley adored and it was dear to my heart because I didn't want to be in front of people. I give up so many oppourtunities, because I am afraid; afraid of what will happen when I sing infront of people. Will they laugh? Cringe? Throw shit at me? I don't know. I think I am afraid of the unknown . . .

 Right now I am torn between two people, One I had written a letter to here on live journal the one I am in love with. The other is a boy that I have formed a crush on over time, but he ovbiously doesn't want anything more than a hook up.


Now that we have all of that covered, I am torn between what to do at the moment; One of them had broken my heart and left me for another person, I really hope since things hadn't worked out with them is his reasoning for calling me two nights ago and telling me he had made a huge mistake and that he loved me . . .
The other is just really not into relationships I guess and I just don't know what to do, I like this guy but I am kinda still not really idk liking the other guy.


Confusing I know.
"/

haha, lets do it.

 He ripped my heart in two
where there will always be a wound,
still pumping blood but we all know my heart is doomed,
he still brings tears to my eyes,
when he sings to me that awful song,
it just reminds me how much that I don't belong, 
in the chaos of the world to find another,
for the only true love I had,
left me alone with no one to hold,
in the dark with a wet match,
found myself with a heart on my patch.
<3

Dear ******, 

           Today I told you that I loved you, which is a total correct statement and all that you can do it tell me that you feel the same. Only to my surprise that when I ask you later you tell me that you feel totally different. I love you with all of my heart, yet all I can do is sit here watching you try to make her like you just as much as you like her. I am here and I know that you are tired of me constantly hurting you and I feel terrible for doing so. The only thing that I ask for is to not forget me. To remember that I will always be here, because that is what people do for the people that they love. I have only loved two people in my life the way that I love you and the thing is, is that everytime I date someone, or even like them for that matter all that I can think about is you; how you make me laugh. How you have always been there for me, how I cried in your arms today because I can't kiss you. I can only tell you how I feel. Yet all that does for me is nothing but another broken heart. I knew that there was another girl, yet I kept denying that and trying to make myself believe that maybe after what I did to you, you would still like or maybe even love me. I was wrong like usual. You may still love me as a friend, but you will never go back to the way that you felt about me. I wish that I could go back in time to a week ago and change my answer to you. The reason why I didn't want to go out with you before was our friendship in jeapordy and I realized that you are one of my best friends but living without you as more than a friend is really hard to bare. We have liked eachother off and on since last summer, and I have grown to love you over that amount of time. It sucks that you don't feel the same way about me. I blew it. I will never have the boy that I always wanted. Thats just a memory now.

Love with all of my heart and than some,

Ashleyy.

Today is the day, I finally get to leave the house and see my so called friends! Thank god. Being in a house for 8 days straight is just hell in itself. 

 I found something out yesterday that made me think a lot though. I took that stupid high school Career Cruiser thing, and I realized that wow, I really do have a few more years to decide what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Although I got my DREAM job, which is to be a photographer, and pretty much every other answer that I got was in the creative natured area. So-o I am exctied about that I guess. Plus I am willing to do other things, but to be a photographer would seriously be amazing. I have taken pictures since I was 6 years old, ever since than the lense has been like the way I see things. :)

God I am such a nerd<3

    Well this is most definantely the easiest day yet. Although it is still scary how fast Mono can sneak up on you and how fast you really have to put your mind into the mood that you can't do anything really for a week and still have to be not doing anything really fucking active for at least 3 1/2. This is hell for me, because generally the person that I am likes to move around and do things and this is just fucking hell. I have not moved my fat ass from my couch in the living room for 5 days yet I have lost 5 pounds in 2 days. How that works? I don't know, but I honestley kinda enjoyed seeing the scale at 110. It made me happy. 

    I also took up knitting and haven't seen people in so long. My friends wont even call me or message me via myspace, it is a little upsetting. I mean the people that I hangout with everyFUCKINGday of my life don't even give the common curtisy of a call for 5 minutes. Whatever it is just something that I would do and I guess I just get a little used to the thought that maybe someone will treat me with the same care and respect that I treat them in . . . Oh well it is only tuesday they wont forget me unless they were horrible friends with amnesia. But other than being bored . . . NOTHING.

I am upset at the fact that all I think about lately is that the most that I would want right now is happiness, and in my mind I cannot find happiness without a relationship in my life. It is that security, someone always there. I hate not knowing if the person I have feelings for has the same feelings toward me. It is shitty and I really don't get it all that much; I am confused. PLUS, I shouldn't be worrying about it yet I cannot stop myself from being so sad. I think my problem is, is that when I was broken up with by the ONE person in my life that I really fell in love with, I feel that I will never get that happiness back. I discourage myself before I even step up to the fucking plate. All that I am is fucking scared out of my mind. 

Today was like a reality check for me, I realized that I can't take life for granted. I really don't know why but one day my friend is chill with me and than the next him completley walk by my friend say hi to him and not even bother to look at me. It makes me think of how awful of a person I could be to others, not to say that I am or will but it makes me wonder if that is what others see in me. The thought of him completley ignoring me is heartbreaking, although I have no idea maybe I am over-reacting like I always do. Whatever but that is basically what went on today. Nothing new I guess that is how life goes.